I refuse to study. I refuse to learn. I refuse to do my homework. I refuse to take no for an answer.

I'm wandering aimlessly about everywhere. I rather spend time going out then stay caged up at home. I don't want to do my assignments. Because I don't feel like it. So yeah, I just want to shrug away all those responsibilities I have taken up. I just want to run away from this reality that never fails to catch up with me. I don't want to face reality, the reality that I can't achieve what I want. The reality that I'm just a failure, at almost everything.

I can't do well in my studies, I don't have the motivation to do so. I can't force myself to study. It just doesn't work out. I can't focus well on training. I just sometimes shoot well, and then sometimes I just let that anger get into my head, and it totally disrupts everything.

I just want someone to tell me, what I should do now, what I must do now. What I can do to change where I'm heading. Because the way I'm heading now, is to absolute failure. I can't wait relentlessly for nature to choose its way for me. By then it would be too late. But everything everyone else is telling me is conflicting.

And also, what to do with the matters of the heart. I find myself telling my mind that I don't mind that you don't love me anymore. But when I see you, my heart tells me that I need you, that when you're happy I want to be the one that is the person making you happy. I've told you that I'll be happy when you are. But when I see you happy, I just feel a tinge of jealousy, and my heart is telling me that I should be the one there. I don't know why. I know that I can't force anyone to love someone. I just can't help but feel so.

I've tried to forget and move on, but deep down inside I just want to remember. I don't want all these to fade away, I don't want everything you have given me to lose its meaning. But I can't stay like this without constantly going through mood swings and feeling that jealousy when you are with some other guys, even when I know you only like that other person. I've seen you cry for him, seen you get overexcited over him, seen you love him. I've told myself to walk away. To go somewhere else, spend time with other people and try to forget about everything temporarily. But such ways of escaping cannot last. I don't want to face that reality that you only love him now. I can easily find a hundred reasons to make excuses for everything that you do, why you love him, and that what I want to believe in will come true some day. But they're all lies. All lies to myself. All to comfort myself. All just temporary.